|
James- Now with added kittens
|
|
|
| SERENITY- REVISED |
[Nov. 16th, 2011|04:49 pm] |
Morning,
some of the feedback I got on my abridged Serenity script was that it was very difficult to understand if you didn't know the film. And they were right, dagnabbit. It was annoying me so I've put back all the stuff I took out for being clunky and obvious (in retrospect this wasn't actually the case...) and tweaked.
Hopefully it now makes it a lot clearer.
Enjoy!
JmC
They call me the gangster of Love
_______________
SERENITY; THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT- REVISED!
FADE IN:
INT. SPACE CLASSROOM
.TEACHER
When we left Earth-That-Was-Fucked for the stars we, The Alliance,
set about creating a fascist utopia. Did I say fascist? I meant funnest. But some
people who had watched too much Bravestarr as children rebelled. They
wanted to live as Space-Cowboys with cool bionic arms and
adaptive-morphing and all that nonsense.
YOUNG SUMMER GLAU
You’re thinking of the Galaxy Rangers there. Bravestarr was the one
with that creepy Man-Horse.
TEACHER
Silence! How dare you show independence!
To the slave-lab with you!
INT. SPACE MEDICAL SLAVE LAB
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR is in MICHAEL HITCHCOCK’S office studying a hologram of now-adult SUMMER GLAU being rescued by her brother SEAN MAHER.
. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
Greetings, Michael. I am the Alliance's polite British harbinger of a
Universe of peace. And tea. I am Britishly annoyed that you let Summer
Glau escape. Her secret-filled psychic head is the most
precious in the Galaxy.
MICHAEL HITCHCOCK
Well, I’d probably give it a 8.9…
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
Distasteful.
(slaughters him with a sword.)
Cultured. Where are you hiding, little Terminator? .
INT. SPACE SHIP SERENITY
NATHAN FILLLION and his RAGTAG BAND of SPACE-COWBOY OUTLAWS; tough ADAM BALDWIN, sexy engineer JEWEL STAITE, goofy pilot ADAM TUDYK and militaristic GINA TORRES are loading up a hovercar. Passengers SUMMER GLAU and Doctor SEAN MAHER watch from the side.
. NATHAN FILLION
Well, golly-shucks. Time to go a-robbin, gee howdy. Summer darlin’, get
your off-centre self up here.
SUMMER GLAU
All shiny. I feel the fans. I feel their hope, so much hope.
SEAN MAHER
Nathan, my one defining character trait makes me insist that you
leave my sister here.
JEWEL STAITE
(stripping)
I’ll show you MY one defining character trait! Sean? SEAN? LOOK AT ME, GORAM IT! I’m gash frothing for you, you incesty freak ! Get twixt my nethers, damn you!
NATHAN FILLION
Woah. Say what? Him?!
(punches Sean out)
Listen up, GQ, I do the sexy round here.
JEWEL STAITE
I used to have an actual personality in the TV series, y’know.
GINA TORRES
(salutes)
We all did, honey.
ADAM BALDWIN
I like guns! .
INT. WESTERN SPACE-TOWN BANK
NATHAN and his crew go to THE OLD DEADWOOD SET to rob the payroll. But it’s an Alliance payroll so that’s ok.
.NATHAN FILLION
Howdy dagnammit, townsfolk. You just rest on the floor a spell whilst my associates and I waltz easily into this here Governmental
hi-techy-safe. What’s that, Sum?
SUMMER GLAU
Why won’t they pay full-price? Hurts us all! Not shiny!
ADAM BALDWIN
Chinese expletive, she’s right, Nath! Reavers is coming! Their anarchic mainly hand-to-hand attacks make thems the
most terrifying thing in a galaxy full o’firepower!
GINA TORRES
Cap’n. We best help some of these folk to establish we’re not all
bad before hightailing like cowards!
NATHAN FILLION
Welp, that’s why they called us the brown trousers,
rasafragin-fragon! Let’s run the hell away! . They run the hell away.
INT. SPACE-BAR
NATHAN, ADAM and GINA conduct nefarious dealings when Summer wanders in to watch TV. Seeing an weird advert SUMMER goes TOTALLY FUCKING CRAZY and kicks the hell out of the bar-patrons.
. SUMMER GLAU
Advertising! I wan’ it, I wan’ it, I wan’ it! Extended edition, director’s
commentary! Gimmie, gimmie! Hi-YA! CHOP! POW! HA!
ADAM BALDWIN
I’ll deal with this. Don’t mess with me, girly. I was born to kill! .
ADAM gets beaten the fuck up.
. SEAN MAHER Summer! Klaatu barada nikto!
SUMMER GLAU
It’s better to burn out than to fade… oh, uh… go… to… Planet Mir-anda.
(passes out)
NATHAN FILLION
You roofied your own sister? Twisted, Sean.
.
INT. SPACE-BASE
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR is studying the video footage of the bar fight.
.
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
Ha! It looks like my brilliant plan for using a subliminal message in the advert to unlock Summer’s psychic brain in order to track her down so she can never unlock her psychic brain has worked. She’s with that Space-Cowboy Nathan Fillion. And how does one lure a Space-Cowboy… .
INT. SPACE-WHOREHOUSE NATHAN FILLION
Hey, space-whore.
MORENA BACCARIN
Nathan! What are you doing here? Our complicated relationship will only
confuse the casual viewer. And it’s Cum-panion, thank you.
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
(appearing)
Distasteful. . CHIWETEL casually batters hell out of NATHAN FILLION.
.
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
Give me the psychic. I feel I have demonstrated that I am more
awesome than you in every way.
NATHAN FILLION
Maybe so, pardner but you reckoned without my ability to… run the hell away! Nathan and Morena run the hell away!
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
Blast. If only I’d had even the slightest back-up. No matter- there
are only four or five places they can go. I shall order those places
razed to the ground but not leave any troops there despite the massive army
at my disposal. That should irritate them into action. .
EXT. SPACE-PLANET SURFACE
NATHAN and crew are picking over the corpses of their friends.
.
NATHAN FILLION
Well shucks-fuck, I ain’t dispossessed no more. In fact I’m pretty gawdamn
pissed. That’s it, I aim to bring down the hammer.
SUMMER GLAU
Illegal downloads, illegal downloads! Kills me, squish!
NATHAN FILLION
You said it, Summer. Lets us do this ship up like a Reavers’ one
and Alan can fly us through their space to that planet Miranda.
Clearly if Chiwetel is trying this hard to stop us going then
we needs to go.
ALAN TUDYK
What? But surely if it was that easy then the alliance would have just flown
explosive drones done up like Reaver Ships long ago? And can’t we
just go round? Space? Infinite?
NATHAN FILLION
Look. The hammer is my penis.
ALAN TUDYK
That makes no sense.
NATHAN FILLION
Neither does this entire plan, relying as it does on purely visual identification
in deep space. Now git painting before I shoot you square in the face, hoss! . NATHAN blows away some half-shattered under-paid soldier to illustrate his point.
.
ALAN TUDYK
You’re still the hero, right? INT. PLANET MIRANDA, SPACE-LAB NATHAN FILLION
Well, that wasn’t such a chore. This is inexplicably the only power
source on the planet. There must be some answers here. . JEWEL fiddles around. .
HOLOGRAM SARAH PAULSON
(appears)
Hello, if you’re seeing this then I’m dead. I was going to draw an H
on my forehead to illustrate but there is no time. Our experiment
to pacify the people went horribly wrong. To calm them we pumped out
insipid sit-coms, episode after episode of Two and A Half Men.
It worked… too well.
GINA TORRES
So that’s why that show has been around so long…
HOLOGRAM SARAH PAULSON
But a small minority became angry. They demanded quality
programming and after Arrested Development was cancelled they went on a rapey cannibal rampage. Oh no! They’re
coming!
MORENA BACCARIN
Reavers! The Alliance created the Reavers! Sorry, I know that was obvious but I just wanted to remind everyone that I matter. Anyone?
Hellooo?
HOLOGRAM SARAH PAULSON
You must get this information out. Yes, it was an honest mistake but I’m about
to be raped and eaten so some motherfucker has to pay! Aieee!
GINA TORRES
Turn it off.
ADAM BALDWIN
Hold up. Let’s just watch the first bit.
NATHAN FILLION
Adam! That’s Goram sick. Now how can we transmit this gore-snuff-porn to
every single home in the ‘verse?
JEWEL STAITE
Noticemeandfuckmesean,noticemeandfuckmesean.
Oh! Wait! David Krumholtz! That creepy motherfucker has l33t skillz!
NATHAN FILLION
Hmmm. But the Alliance is sure to be watching him, dagnabbit. Don’t
worry, I have another plumb brilliant plan! Lets poke at the Reavers’
ships with a stick and then… run the hell away! They’ll follow us into what is,
best guess, another army.
GINA TORRES
And ultra-feminists say I shouldn’t take orders from a white man. . EXT. SPACE
CHIWETEL and his MASSIVE SPACESHIP ARMY wait by DAVID KRUMHOLTZ’s SPACE BASE
.
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
Ha. Foolish Nathan Fillion. Bringing a spaceship to a sword
fight. Wait! Reavers! Cocking cumfucking loads of
Reavers! Everyone shoot at them! I don’t want a single ship
firing on our primary target! NO ONE FIRE AT SERENITY! TEA
AND CRUMPETS!!! Oh, fuck this I’m off to the surface. .
INT. DAVID KRUMHOLTZ’S SPACE BASE
SERENITY crashes roughly into the hanger, hotly pursued by REAVER SHIPS.
NATHAN FILLION
Holy Hong Kong shit, that was close. Good thing that everyone
that matters is still shucks-dandy.
SUMMER GLAU
Great disturbance in the force! Thousands of fan-boys
crying out in pain. But they didn’t come. The cinema
seats they were empty…
NATHAN FILLION
What that you hollerin’ about? Oh, woefully underused Alan Tudyk is dead.
Huh. And David Krumholtz too. This is all getting a bit John
Constantine with my friends.
DAVID KRUMHOLTZ’S FUCK DOLL
(with DAVID KRUMHOLTZ’s voice)
He Britished me, Nath. He Britished me with a sword.
NATHAN FILLION
Well, golly. Hellooo there.
DAVID KRUMHOLTZ’S FUCK DOLL
Nathan! Focus. And really, who’s your voice coach- Yosemite
Sam? Ahem. He Britished me, Nath. You have to get to
the secret transmitter platform. Remember to hit A
and the jump button.
GINA TORRES
Hot damn! Let’s go.
NATHAN FILLION
No. you stay here to get raped and eaten. I have to do this… Solo.
GINA TORRES
Shhh! Don’t make it so obvious!
NATHAN FILLION
I MEANT this time I shall be running the hell away… alone.
ADAM BALDWIN
Well, thanks a fuck.
.
INT. DAVID KRUMHOLTZ’S SPACE-BASE BUNKER
The crew sans Nathan wait to be killed by Reavers.
.
MORENA BACCARIN
Look everyone, I’m dressed as Xena! And I have a bow! I matter,
damn it. Hello? I’m a prostitute y’know. STOP LOOKING AT
JEWEL AND SUMMER, ASSHOLES!!!
SEAN MAHER
I’m just upset I never got to pound on Jewel’s lovehole. If only
she had given me some sort of sign.
JEWEL STAITE
You sonnovabitch.
(slaughters several Reavers)
ADAM BALDWIN
Shit, is that all it takes? I ain’t been laid in weeks! And
Gina, your husband and meatpole is dead, not that the
audience noticed. No sex fer you! Wooo! Frustration! Let’s kill some motherfuckers!
SUMMER GLAU
Well, everyone. This has been all sorts of fun but frankly it’s time
for me to Buffy my way into a future. See you in the Dollhouse! Wait
, that’s Alan… Oh well, um, bye! . SUMMER dives through the door and kills the holy fuck out of a bunch of Reavers.
.
ADAM BALDWIN
Wow. that’s some serious flustration right there. Good thing
you never worked up the courage to bang her either, Sean.
INT. DAVID KRUMHOLTZ’S SPACE-BASE SECRET SPACE-TRANSMITTER PLATFORM
NATHAN FILLION
So the doll has Krumholtz’s voice. I guess I still would…
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
Distasteful.
(leaps onto walkway)
Now, Nathan. You must stop. That disk will reveal that despite
Joss Whedon being famous for juggling a large cast only
you have anything resembling a character arc.
NATHAN FILLION
(leaps onto walkway)
No. No, that’s not true. That’s IMPOSSIBLE!
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
Look into yourself. You know it to be true. Only you develop.# Even Summer just jarringly changes.
NATHAN FILLION
Noooo! Noooo!!! .
They fight. Nathan manages to get his ass kicked slightly less than before. . NATHAN FILLION
Man, you think one of us would bring a spare gun. Particularly you.
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
You would. But despite being portrayed as coldly all about
the job I have an egotistical need to kill people in a nuanced way
with my deathblow. Like this!
NATHAN FILLION
Nuance? NUANCE? I’m Nathan ye-fucking-ha Fillion, son. I HATE nuance. Yippee Kye Oriental EY, Motherfucker! . Nathan shrugs off Chiwetel’s deathblow with the power of cowboy ruggedness and pounds him down. .
NATHAN FILLION
And that’s how we do, pard. Now, watch this.
(uploads video)
Huh? Huh? See it there?
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
My God. All those people. Killed in an accident during
a genuine attempt to make a happy docile population like
I always wanted. This totally puts my slaughter of entire
settlements of men, women and children just to smoke
you out in perspective, Nathan. Thank you. Alliance
bad. They nasty men. Me change ways.
NATHAN FILLION
Ha! You changed! That’s an arc right there!
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
Well not rea….
NATHAN FILLION
ARC!
INT. SPACESHIP SERENITY
NATHAN FILLION
…and that’s how I reprogrammed the fuckbot and got
a Big Damn Blowjob. What’s up, little one?
SUMMER GLAU
Now I’m sane I was just thinking, we’ve plunged the ‘verse
into chaos. Do you think it will all work out?
NATHAN FILLION
Looking at the ticket sales no one will ever know.
SUMMER GLAU
Unless the fans buy hundreds and hundreds of copies of the DVD each that is.
(stares directly at the camera)
Which I’m sure they will if they really cared.
NATHAN FILLION
Damn, girl. You’re cruel when you’re not crazy. Looks like
you an me gonna git right along! YEEEEEE HAW!!!!! END
|
|
|
| Splice script |
[Oct. 12th, 2011|12:48 pm] |
Hi all,
For those of you who don’t follow my every move on Facebook (and if not, why not?!) You may be unaware that I wrote an abridged script at The Editing Room. So go here: http://www.the-editing-room.com/splice.html and enjoy!
I have a Serenity one coming soon and all. I fear that that one will get me screamed at by half the internet…
JmC
Dirty brick heroin for the masses
|
|
|
| 17 Again: The Abridged Script |
[Aug. 4th, 2011|07:20 pm] |
Hi all,
I'm writing a piece for The Editing Room, a site that does Abrideged versions of film scripts- http://www.the-editing-room.com/, I'm not actually going to use this one, as going to try Splice instead. However thought I'd put this up and any feedback on this draft would be welcome!
Cheers
JmC
Nnnnnnnnnnnnineteen again
17 Again: The Abridged Script
FADE IN: INT. HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL COURT ZAK EFFRON abandons a championship basketball game to propose to his pregnant girlfriend rather than waiting 15 minutes because he is CARING and INCREDIBLY SHORTSIGHTED. ZAK EFFRON I am 17 and full of youthful optimism! I’m sure everything will be fine because I have done the right thing! Twenty years later ZAK has grown up into MATTHEW PERRY. How this happened is never explained.
MATTHEW PERRY I am 37 and full of cynicism and bile. I’m sure everything will be awful because I did that right thing that one time. Certainly not because I’m such an utter miserable asshole that I ruin my job, marriage and relationship with my children with my snide comments and vicious quips. Oooo if only I had my time over. I’d totally try harder in Friends to avoid this constant typecasting, for a start. MYSTIC JANITOR BRIAN DOYLE-MURPHY Matthew. I have noticed that you are unsatisfied with your middle-class life as a healthy, white man with two healthy children. I am here to use my mystic powers to assist you. It is possible I am God or something. Any questions? MATTHEW PERRY Yeah, I have a question. Wouldn’t it be better to use your powers to, I dunno, help a genuinely mentally disturbed person? Or stop a gang shooting? MYSTIC JANITOR BRIAN DOYLE-MURPHY Ha ha ha! God, doesn’t care about those people, Matthew. No one does. That’s why only assholes like you get these sort of things to happen. Now fall into this bundoggle and become Zak Effron. HE DOES INT. NERD DEN THOMAS LENNON is in his nerd-den being nerdy because he is a nerd. It is obvious that this will become important later. ZAK EFFRON Thomas, I have become 17 Again! Use your vast resources and apparently unlimited free time to assist me to go have the college experience I missed so I can be a 40 year old man doing frat party stuff! THOMAS LENNON That’s not creepy at all. And maybe I can use your status as my son to get me laid! Also not creepy at all. Let’s get you looking like a teenager! ZAK comes out in some ridiculous bedazzed nonsense gear. ZAK EFFRON Word, Excel, f-shizzle, twitter, homeboy! Check my bitchin’ threads, niggle-bowdiggle.
THOMAS LENNON Don’t you actually have two teenagers? And you’re only 37, where the fuck are you getting this stuff?
ZAK EFFRON Facebook Miley Cirus Ben 10? THOMAS LENNON You're a douche. ZAK EFFRON Jersey Shore High School Musical?
THOMAS LENNON
Ok, now you're just being ridiculous. INT: HIGH SCHOOL ZAK goes to high school to stalk his kids, MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG and STIRLING KNIGHT ZAK EFFRON
Stirling Knight? Wow, I really was a bad Dad. Anyway, Stirling you must help me get close to your sister and in return I will help you with sports!
STIRLING KNIGHT That’s not creepy at all!
ZAK EFFRON
Its a thing! Oh and if you wouldn’t mind introducing me to your Mom too... ZAK helps STIRLING with basketball and in doing so becomes a Basketball star again.
HOT GIRLS Take us, Zak! Use us mercilessly! Slutty girls like us totally exist in real life!
Despite the fact that as previously established he has the HORMONES OF A TEENAGER ZAK dispenses fatherly advice to the gaggle of hot girls rather than FUCKING THE SHIT OUT OF THEM. This comes across as sweet and concerned rather than patronizing and lame.
ZAK EFFRON And that’s why if he cums in your hair, you’re outta there.
HOT GIRLS *SIIIIIIGH* We love you, Zak! Take me, Zak!
WATCHING GUYS Hit that! Hit that! Why are you not hitting ANY of that??!! Nyahhhh! EXT: MATTHEW’S HOUSE ZAK meets his wife, LESLIE MANN
ZAK EFFRON Hello, Mrs Mann. I am the long lost son of your husband’s best friend. Please ignore the fact that I look EXACTLY like your husband did at 17.
LESLIE MANN For some reason I am not going to jump to the obvious conclusion that my husband cheated on me with his best friend’s woman and will simply look faintly bemused. Hmmm. Oh well, best get ready for my date.
ZAK EFFRON Gosh, seeing Leslie plan to go off with another man has made me realize how much I still want her! I really am a piece of work! I’ll be really nice to her in a way that probably would have saved my marriage if I’d done anything like it in the last 5 years!
INT: BEDROOM MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG chases ZAK EFFRON who is HER DAD around a room in an effort to FUCK HIM. This is funny and not incestly creepy. MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG Zak, I heard what you said about not having sex and it made me want to have sex with you! Come here! ZAK EFFRON No! Get away! You’ll mess up my ludicrously expensive hair. MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG You like playing games Zak? OK, you are the gatekeeper and I am The Key! ZAK EFFRON Michelle, no! Think of your Dad! MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG OK, Daddy. Come put me over your knee, Daddy ZAK EFFRON Whoa. Geez that’s... That’s so wrong. And yet... maybe just the tip…? No! No, I am sorry Michelle but I can’t. I am not like other men. MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG Really? Really? We’re going to do the whole I think he’s gay thing just because he doesn’t want to meat-spear an emotionally vulnerable girl? Seriously? *sigh* Fine. (deadpan) Gosh. You are a gay. It all makes the sense now. ZAK EFFRON Thank you for understanding. I’m now going to go totally skeeze on your Mom. INT: RESTURANT THOMAS has BLACKMAILED the School Principle MELORA HARDIN into a date by threatening to withhold his gift of school computers. THOMAS LENNON Sleep with me, Melora! I represent all the geeks in the audience! I’m rich and successful but they also need to know that they might get some tail one day too! MELORA HARDIN Go away, Thomas. Your sexual intentions are quite the creepiest thing in this movie, which given some of the other shit going on is quite an achievement. (pause) Oh, you like Lord of the Rings. Well, in that case you can plunder my dungeon anytime. (Stares straight at camera) Seriously. I actually say that. I actually compare my vagina to a moldering dungeon. Yes. THOMAS LENNON Works for me! See kids, under any hot woman could be an inner geek. You just keep plugging away. And buy stuff. Lots and lots of stuff.
INT: COURTHOUSE
LESLIE MANN Matthew Perry is an asshole. Such an asshole that he can’t even be here to fight against his divorce. Which is totally how divorces work. ZAK EFFRON No! Leslie, Matthew loves you! He give me this note to read out to you. Because giving a note to his best friend’s son who looks like him is totally reasonable. You should allow me to read it out before moping off sadly. They DO INT. HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL COURT ZAK EFFRON abandons a championship basketball game to go after his wife rather than waiting 15 minutes because he is LIKES TO PUT ALL HIS EGGS IN ONE BASKET. ZAK EFFRON Leslie! It’s me, Matthew Perry. Come back to me! LESLIE MANN What, so you can bitch for the next 20 years about having ditched THIS chance for me along with the last one? What am I retarded? MATTHEW PERRY Apparently you are! And look! I’m not even hot any more! LESLIE MANN Hooray! END |
|
|
| Bullies scrabbling for new term for the bespectacled. |
[Jul. 21st, 2011|01:56 pm] |
Bullies scrabbling for new term for the bespectacled.
With the end of the Harry Potter franchise thousands of bullies will soon be left with no term to address to males wearing glasses. For the last few years playgrounds have been the scene of such deeply original jeers as, “Oi Potter, Potter! Harry! Where’s your wand, Harry!”, “Quidditch boy! Hey, Quidditch! You catch the snitch, Quidditch?!” and “Fuck off back to Hogwarts.”
The Potter phenomenon has also affected legions of male office-workers. James Morgan, a near-sighted man working in Euston commented, “It’s just the crushing inevitability of it- you lose a contact lens, wear your glasses and these chirpy cock-rags dance up to you grinning and pointing at your specs. ‘You know who you look like? Harry Potter! Doesn’t he? Doesn’t he look just like Harry Potter?!’ as if they are the first person in the history of fucking ever to link the two. I swear the next person to ask if I have a lightning bolt scar will get a pencil rammed up their nose. Thanks a fuck, JK Rowland.”
Professor Noel Martinez of the Institute for Verbal Abuse at Cambridge said; “Harry Potter has filled an important cultural role in our society. Despite being the noble protagonist of seven stories he has been seized on as a term of abuse for morons, much as Blade and Neo were used as insults for anyone with a long black trench-coat a few years ago. Any attempt to point out that being compared to the star of a film is no bad thing will merely get a black stare or possibly a panicked point and scream of ‘Matrix!’
“With the end of these films idiots will probably revert to ‘speccy’, ‘four-eyes’ and the always popular “speccy-four-eyes”, which is a shame.
“It was noted that females wearing glasses are very rarely abused as it is well known that they might at any second remove their eyewear, shake out their hair and become phenomenally hot.
Shut up, it could happen.”
JmC
I like your glasses.. they cover up more of YOUR FACE! |
|
|
| Heatwave causes surge of injuries among men |
[Jun. 7th, 2011|02:03 pm] |
Soaring temperatures have seen a 137% increase in ogling related injuries. Medics have reported a massive increase in slaps, kneeing and walking-into-lamp-posts-like-a-dick for men unwittingly distracted by women in summery attire.
Specialist moron-related consultant Dr Sajay Depal said; “British men are simply not prepared for a hot summer. We have the expected severe burnings caused by pasty blokes feeling that it would be wise to expose their pallid sun-shy flesh to the sun’s radiation following a few cans of Carling. But alongside this we have a spike in brainless gazing injuries. Unprepared for the sight of ladies in flimsy dresses men cannot stop their jaws from dropping half an inch and their heads swivelling like a dog watching a hamburger at the first sign of unclad leg or obvious nipple. What they don’t realise is that this is fucking obvious to the object of their gaze, the object’s boyfriend, the gazer’s girlfriend and everyone else.”
John O’ Gordon, a pillock from Islington who tripped over his own dog in the park, said; “It’s a disgrace. Men can’t be expected to suddenly see fine lassies in sundresses and maintain composure. The Government should be pre-warning us. Perhaps with leaflets. With pictures. Or a website. With pictures. Or some sort of live show.”
The Government has responded with this advice for men- always wear sunglasses; attempt to control any head movements; use the side of the eye; look but don’t leer; and for God’s sake don’t pass comment.
Phillip Greggs was severely beaten by his girlfriend after unwisely compounding his obvious stare by saying, “They were right there. Clearly she wanted people to look at them.” Experts have confirmed that he totally deserved it.
JmC
Fun in the Sun |
|
|
| Don’t poke the bear |
[May. 26th, 2011|04:07 pm] |
Hola peoples,
Some of you may remember that back in 2008 I rubbished Masala Zone in Camden. (Review here.) And for good reason, Masala Zone in Camden gave me rubbishy expensive food. Masala Zone in Camden deserved my review, every bile-scented syllable. Responding to my culinary distress The Internet rushed to my aid, driving my review of Masala Zone in Camden up the Google searches so that all might know of sub-par experience. A bit of fun to divert us from the soul-crushing futility of our lives. And you’d think that would be that.
But wait.
For Masala Zone in Camden… HAS DISCOVERED THE INTERNET.
Yes, some THREE YEARS later some disgruntled manager of Masala Zone in Camden has come upon my review and responded with scorn and fury! Oh noes!
http://flywingedmonkey.livejournal.com/352625.html?page=2#comments (its at the bottom)
Transcript runs thus:
“Dickheads on a power trip”
I’m assuming that would be us. Oh, the power of rubbishing something on the Internet. It makes me giddy just to think of it.
“It think that says it all –“
It think? Is this some culinary robot doing the replying? Have Masala Zone in Camden had SO MANY complaints that they have had to build some sort of robot to deal with the flood. Some poor mechanised Arnie typing out vicious replies while he quietly dies a electronic death inside knowing that what he is typing is tosh. But regardless “Dickheads on a power trip” apparently conveys the sentiments.
“I doubt they would want you back.”
Oh its “I” now is it? And “you” is it? Because CLEARLY you’re are a loyal customer furious about this slating your fav eatery got. Not because you have any financial stake in Masala Zone in Camden or anything.
“By the way your review comes in on page 4 of searches.”
Yes. You are MERELY a customer. A customer who so loves Masala Zone in Camden that they would trawl through 4 pages of searches responding to each negative one. Uh huh.
“No worries for MZ _ CT”
This is particularly good- THEY WON’T SAY “Masala Zone in Camden” because it will up the hit rate! That is AWESOME. And furthermore demonstrates that they DO have worries. Such worries that they take the time to respond to a THREE YEAR OLD review. Wow. No worries INDEED, Masala Zone in Camden.
Obviously “MZ_CT” could be the cool street name of Masala Zone in Camden but I somehow doubt it.
“Go fuck yourselves”
Ah. Nice. Y’know, Masala Zone in Camden, I might have let you get away with “Dickheads on a power trip” but “Go fuck yourselves”. That’s outright abuse right there, Masala Zone in Camden. I fear you have made a terrible mistake.
Go, my minions. Spread the word of this. Link the original review. Tell your friends. Twitter it, Facebook it, Bebo it (does that still exist).
YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS, MASALA ZOME IN CAMDEN!
JmC
Dickhead on a power trip |
|
|
| Mister Freeze in line to be UK Snow supremo |
[May. 12th, 2011|11:21 am] |
Following MP recommendations that the UK appoint a “snow supremo” to avoid another winter of chaos at airports and railways, ice-themed super villain Mr Freeze has thrown his transparent globed headgear into the ring.
With winter fast approaching the Transport Select Committee met in an effort to put measures in place to stop people whining how; “This wouldn’t happen in Russia/Iceland/other countries with a dramatically different weather system to the UK.” Spurred by reports that some people had to wait for literally hours, the Committee encouraged Transport Secretary Philip Hammond to appoint a senior Department for Transport official to stare wearily into a camera and agree that yes indeed there should be more road-gritters that stand idle 362 days of the year and of course public money should be spent to develop plane that can fly through freezing fog to ensure that you don’t miss a single day of your cut-price holiday .
Freeze, also known as Dr Victor Fries, advocates a more aggressive approach; “People do not vont better information or 10 year predictions. They vont things to change vith the flick of a svitch or the press of a trigger. As Supreme Snow I vill give them this! They will all have… an ice day.”
Opponents of Dr Fries have suggested that he will simply use the power and influence to further his agenda to plunge the entire earth into a deep chill and that the Britain would be forced to import expensive Bat-garbed contractors to deal with this new problem.
Mr Oswald Cobblepot, Freeze’s senior adviser, responded; “These accusations are baseless and defamatory. My client simply wants to use his icy death-weapons to help the UK. Who in their right mind would want to encourage a land filled with ice and snow , wak, wak.”
“Anyway he couldn’t be more unhelpful than Bob Crow.”
More here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-13363738
JmC
S'no joke |
|
|
| Thousands on Incapacity Benefit to be cut off in order to help them. |
[Apr. 21st, 2011|03:04 pm] |
A report released by the Department of Work and Pensions revealed more than 80,000 people in Britain claim incapacity benefit because they are drunks, druggies or porkers.
Responding to the report David Cameron said, “These are people who have been left for dead by the last government. Although in a more specific way they have not been totally left for dead because they were getting benefits to keep them alive. So they are sort of half-dead. Like zombies.
Clearly the thing to do is take away these benefits immediately. This will give them the impetus they need to get up, put their extremely complicated psychological and physical problems aside and go and get one of the many, many jobs that exist in Britain. And their sheer, and soon quite literal, hunger for employment will put them head and shoulders above all the other recently unemployed public sector staff.
Admittedly some will starve or turn to crime but I think that’s better than spending any public money on rehabilitation programs. And the fat ones could probably do with a bit of starving.”
Various charities have levelled criticisms at this approach labelling it “Shortsighted”, “Simplistic”, “Medievally cruel” and “Disgusting pandering to the majority of ill-informed hate filled idiots that most people are.”
However lager drinking Staffordshire terrier enthusiast Jo Harker said, “I think it’s a great idea. Why should I pay for some work shy bladger to sit at home drinking, smoking or eating pies? I’d love it if someone paid me to prop up an unpleasant addiction that ravages me body and soul. If I can’t do it why on earth should they?”
Defending the Prime Minister Employment Minister Chris Grayling said, “Everything gets better with less money. Look at what we’re doing to the NHS.”
JmC
Now (in an attempt to get published) with 90% less swearing! |
|
|
| Robert Pattinson and Daniel Radcliffe to celebrate end of franchises in orgy of passion. |
[Apr. 20th, 2011|02:55 pm] |
This summer sees the release of Twilight: Breaking Dawn, last in the series of the astoundingly misogynistic Stephanie Myers vampire films. Boyfriends everywhere punched the air only to be sucker-punched at the news that the final part has been split into two films.
“Once again we plan to put all the exciting bits in the trailer,” said Director Bill Condon, “put a semi-exciting score behind it and it will look interesting enough that a particularly sex-deprived man will convince himself that its not that bad. Of course the whole film is basically Kirsten Stuart starting into the middle distance biting her lip and waiting for a man to kill her/save her/sire her/screw her/marry her. Because y’know. Feminism.”
Twilight star Robert Pattinson, 24, whose new film ‘Not a vampire film. With elephants!’ is released next week, gave his own opinions on the end, “For me the best thing will be not having to pretend to be in an insipid relationship with Kirsten anymore just to satisfy the twisted desires of teenagers who can’t distinguish fantasy from reality. Don’t get me wrong, she’s quite pretty but when you’re nut-deep in her and she looks at you with that one blank expression, its.. its just chilling, man.”
Meanwhile Daniel Radcliffe told of his plans to commemorate this year’s Harry Potter finale. “I’m going get Rob [Patterson] over here, we are going to get 15, 20 girls and just go crazy. Just proper crazy. I’ve had enough of this role-model bollocks, its finally time to get some of that scattered Hogwarts ass. Rob is the only one who can understand what I’ve been through. Who else am I going to get, Rupert fucking Grint?”
Patterson was less enthusiastic, “I don’t really want to but I owe Daniel for getting me that Cedric Diggory bit in Harry Potter. As long as he doesn’t get all Equus again. That’s some sick shit.”
________________
This is submission I wrote for http://newsthump.com
Let's see how it does!
JmC
Attempting to make his hatred pay |
|
|
| Water foul |
[Jan. 17th, 2011|06:36 pm] |
Alongside my normal January efforts to get fit by squeezing into an expensive health dungeon with many other fatties I’ve decided to try changing some little things. Every little helps, after all. For example the annoyance that I’ve generated from typing the phrase “every little helps!” and then not being able to remember if it was a phrase in common parlance before it was appropriated by the sinister multi-level entity that is Tesco or if I’m just a drone, spewing out corporate catchphrases like a tv-addicted parrot. This lack of knowledge causes me to grind me teeth in frustration which has got to burn a few calories. Every little helps!
On this note I was visiting Anna's parents, though the energy burnt by my nervous leg-jiggle was offset by my fixed smile (I hear it takes less muscles to smile than to frown) so that’s probably a wash. They also fed me a feast which, as delicious as it was, probably isn’t helpful in my belly reducing quest. However do they have a dog, a white/tan Lakeland terrier called Scout.
If you’ve never encountered a Lakeland terrier they sort of look like the product of an orgy between a sheep, a Jack Russell and a teddy bear. They also don’t bark, or yip, or woof, or yelp, or whine or make any noise whatsoever. Its weird; Scout gets massively excited, as do all dogs, at the prospect of balls/sticks/food/walks/everything but makes not a sound. She jumps up and down, opening and closing her mouth but nothing comes out. It’s like the sea-witch has stolen her voice in exchange for something. Squeaky pig, assumedly as she doesn’t have a great deal of possessions. It would be quite a good trade- Squeaky-pig is at least as annoying as a normal dog yap. Plus normal dog yap also cannot be placed unseen to frighten the unwary who step on him and cause them to nearly fall down the stairs.
But, voice or no voice, I had access to a dog. This would be a good fitness extra of a weekend. Arming ourselves with some bread for the ducks we grabbed the dog and set out. Incidentally I know bread has very little nutritional value for birds but no-one throws me free food. Be grateful. Admittedly sometimes it swells in their stomachs and causes them to die but thems the breaks. Suck it up, duck.
Two minutes in and we encountered the first problem- Scout is far more interested in stopping at lamp-posts, going up drives and sniffing leaves than walking with us. If she was given too much lead she would weave between Anna and myself. Were we in a romantic comedy I’m sure the lead would push us together and we’d be forced to kiss and laugh and forget our dead child/ lost jobs/ crippling, crippling stutter-related depression or whatever the fuck. However my life being more of the knockabout farce school of comedy all that happened was that we tripped, fell or accidentally kicked the dog. She can't cry out though so it was ok. Like it's ok to dead-arm a deaf child; who can they tell with only the one arm? You'll be long gone! Eventually I found that only the “tight lead” or “dragging” technique of walking would work- but this led (ha!) to my being glared at my passers by as I appeared to be a cruel evil bastard strangling a teddy-bear of a dog. Weathering the stares and tuts of the Great British Public we eventually came to the pond where I was fully prepared for Scout to joyfully launch herself at the birds.
This was not to be. The birds had formed a loud squabbling pack; ducks mixed with pigeons, ravens and the odd goose. Scout took one look at them and hid behind our legs. She sat there, trembling away as we fed the birds- even more annoyingly the bread turned out to be wholemeal and therefore quite good for them. Curses. I don’t entirely blame her for hiding- the ravens in particular looked capable of pecking out an eye with ease but the abject display of cowardice was a tad embarrassing. Won’t be doing that again.
With dog walking off the menu I cast around for another “little thing” and saw my bike leaning against the walk covered in a light sprinkling of holiday dust. “I know! I shall resume my cycling to work!” I thought, optimistically laying out my cycling kit for work. Morning came and I smugly pressed snooze on my alarm clock, knowing that cycling takes 10 minutes less than the bus. Ten minutes less that is if it’s a) not pissing it down, which happened as the skies opened two minutes after I set off and b) not 6 weeks after you last did it, which it was. Thirty five hideous minutes later I turned up at work with bits of me unpleasantly hot and sweaty, other bits freezing and chilled and almost all of me very, very wet. You know you look really pitiful when you turn up somewhere in a state and the immediate response is one of concern rather than laughter. “What the hell were you thinking?” a colleague demanded on seeing my half-drowned state.
“I figured it would be good for me,” I answered as hair gel dripping down my face and rain and sweat pooled in my shoes. “Every little helps! “
JmC
Good… with humiliation |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
