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James- Now with added kittens

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17 Again: The Abridged Script [Aug. 4th, 2011|07:20 pm]
James- Now with added kittens


Hi all,

I'm writing a piece for  The Editing Room, a site that does Abrideged versions of film scripts- http://www.the-editing-room.com/, I'm not actually going to use this one, as going to try Splice instead. However thought I'd put this up and any feedback on this draft would be welcome!

Cheers

JmC
Nnnnnnnnnnnnineteen again


17 Again: The Abridged Script

 

 FADE IN:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL COURT

ZAK EFFRON abandons a championship basketball game to propose to his pregnant girlfriend rather than waiting 15 minutes because he is CARING and INCREDIBLY SHORTSIGHTED.

 

ZAK EFFRON

I am 17 and full of youthful optimism! I’m sure everything will be fine because I have done the right thing!

 

Twenty years later ZAK has grown up into MATTHEW PERRY. How this happened is never explained.
 

MATTHEW PERRY

I am 37 and full of cynicism and bile. I’m sure everything will be awful because I did that right thing that one time. Certainly not because I’m such an utter miserable asshole that I ruin my job, marriage and relationship with my children with my snide comments and vicious quips. Oooo if only  I had my time over. I’d totally try harder in Friends to avoid this constant typecasting, for a start.

 

MYSTIC JANITOR BRIAN DOYLE-MURPHY

Matthew. I have noticed that you are unsatisfied with your middle-class life as a healthy, white man with two healthy children. I am here to use my mystic powers to assist you. It is possible I am God or something. Any questions?

 

MATTHEW PERRY

Yeah, I have a question. Wouldn’t it be better to use your powers to, I dunno, help a genuinely mentally disturbed person? Or stop a gang shooting?

 

MYSTIC JANITOR BRIAN DOYLE-MURPHY

Ha ha ha! God, doesn’t care about those people, Matthew. No one does. That’s why only assholes like you get these sort of things to happen.  Now fall into this bundoggle and become Zak Effron.

HE DOES

                                                                                                                                                                         

INT. NERD DEN

 

THOMAS LENNON is in his nerd-den being nerdy because he is a nerd. It is obvious that this will become important later.  

 

ZAK EFFRON

Thomas, I have become 17 Again! Use your vast resources and apparently unlimited free time to assist me to go have the college experience I missed so I can be a 40 year old man doing frat party stuff!

 

THOMAS LENNON

That’s not creepy at all. And maybe I can use your status as my son to get me laid! Also not creepy at all. Let’s get you looking like a teenager!

 

ZAK comes out in some ridiculous bedazzed nonsense gear.

 

ZAK EFFRON

Word, Excel, f-shizzle, twitter, homeboy! Check my bitchin’ threads, niggle-bowdiggle.  


 

THOMAS LENNON

Don’t you actually have two teenagers? And you’re only 37, where the fuck are you getting this stuff?


 

ZAK EFFRON

Facebook Miley Cirus Ben 10? 

 

 

THOMAS LENNON

You're a douche.

 

 

ZAK EFFRON

Jersey Shore High School Musical?

 
THOMAS LENNON
Ok, now you're just being ridiculous.

INT: HIGH SCHOOL

 

ZAK goes to high school to stalk his kids,  MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG and STIRLING KNIGHT 

 

ZAK EFFRON
Stirling Knight? Wow, I really was a bad Dad. Anyway, Stirling you must help me get close to your sister and in return I will help you with sports! 

 

STIRLING KNIGHT

That’s not creepy at all!

 
 

ZAK EFFRON
Its a thing! Oh and if you wouldn’t mind introducing me to your Mom too...

 

 

ZAK helps STIRLING with basketball and in doing so becomes a Basketball star again.
 

HOT GIRLS

Take us, Zak! Use us mercilessly! Slutty girls like us totally exist in real life!

 


 Despite the fact that as previously established he has the HORMONES OF A TEENAGER ZAK dispenses fatherly advice to the gaggle of hot girls rather than FUCKING THE SHIT OUT OF THEM. This comes across as sweet and concerned rather than patronizing and lame.

 

ZAK EFFRON

And that’s why if he cums in your hair, you’re outta there.


 

HOT GIRLS

*SIIIIIIGH* We love you, Zak! Take me, Zak!


 

WATCHING GUYS

Hit that! Hit that! Why are you not hitting ANY of that??!! Nyahhhh!

 

 

EXT: MATTHEW’S HOUSE

 

ZAK meets his wife, LESLIE MANN
 

ZAK EFFRON

Hello, Mrs Mann. I am the long lost son of your husband’s best friend. Please ignore the fact that I look EXACTLY like your husband did at 17.


 

LESLIE MANN

For some reason I am not going to jump to the obvious conclusion that my husband cheated on me with his best friend’s woman and will simply look faintly bemused.

Hmmm. Oh well, best get ready for my date.


 

ZAK EFFRON

Gosh, seeing Leslie plan to go off with another man has made me realize how much I still want her! I really am a piece of work! I’ll be really nice to her in a way that probably would have saved my marriage if I’d done anything like it in the last 5 years!

 
 

INT: BEDROOM

MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG chases ZAK EFFRON who is HER DAD around a room in an effort to FUCK HIM. This is funny and not incestly creepy.  

MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG

Zak, I heard what you said about not having sex and it made me want to have sex with you! Come here!

 

 

ZAK EFFRON

No! Get away! You’ll mess up my ludicrously expensive hair.

 

 

MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG

You like playing games Zak? OK, you are the gatekeeper and I am The Key!

 

ZAK EFFRON

Michelle, no! Think of your Dad!

 

 

MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG

OK, Daddy. Come put me over your knee, Daddy

 

 

ZAK EFFRON

Whoa. Geez that’s... That’s so wrong. And yet... maybe just the tip…? No! No, I am sorry Michelle but I can’t. I am not like other men.

 

 

MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG

Really? Really? We’re going to do the whole I think he’s gay thing just because he doesn’t want to meat-spear an emotionally vulnerable girl? Seriously? *sigh* Fine. (deadpan) Gosh. You are a gay. It all makes the sense now.  

 

 

ZAK EFFRON

Thank you for understanding. I’m now going to go totally skeeze on your Mom.

 

 

INT: RESTURANT  

THOMAS has BLACKMAILED the School Principle MELORA HARDIN into a date by threatening to withhold his gift of school computers.  

THOMAS LENNON

Sleep with me, Melora! I represent all the geeks in the audience! I’m rich and successful but they also need to know that they might get some tail one day too!

 

 

MELORA HARDIN

Go away, Thomas. Your sexual intentions are quite the creepiest thing in this movie, which given some of the other shit going on is quite an achievement.  

(pause)

Oh, you like Lord of the Rings. Well, in that case you can plunder my dungeon anytime.

(Stares straight at camera)

Seriously. I actually say that. I actually compare my vagina to a moldering dungeon. Yes. 

 

THOMAS LENNON

Works for me! See kids, under any hot woman could be an inner geek. You just keep plugging away. And buy stuff. Lots and lots of stuff.  


INT: COURTHOUSE
 

LESLIE MANN

Matthew Perry is an asshole. Such an asshole that he can’t even be here to fight against his divorce. Which is totally how divorces work.

 

ZAK EFFRON

No! Leslie, Matthew loves you! He give me this note to read out to you. Because giving a note to his best friend’s son who looks like him is totally reasonable. You should allow me to read it out before moping off sadly.

They DO

 

INT. HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL COURT

ZAK EFFRON abandons a championship basketball game to go after his wife rather than waiting 15 minutes because he is LIKES TO PUT ALL HIS EGGS IN ONE BASKET.

ZAK EFFRON

Leslie! It’s me, Matthew Perry. Come back to me!

 

LESLIE MANN

What, so you can bitch for the next 20 years about having ditched THIS chance for me along with the last one? What am I retarded?

 

MATTHEW PERRY

Apparently you are! And look! I’m not even hot any more!

 

LESLIE MANN

Hooray!

END

 

 

 

linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: thatmakesmemad
2011-08-05 10:16 am (UTC)
Being able to abridge the script requires that you have seen this travesty.
So what is your explanation ?
1 MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG undermines your ability to identify must miss films
2 A woman whose bad taste in movie viewing you were prepared to overlook for carnal reasons ?
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: flywingedmonkey
2011-08-05 10:42 am (UTC)
I have a well known weakness for teen comedy. Sometimes it is awesome(Sky High) sometimes impressively nostalgic (Breakfast Club) often middle of the road (Freaky Friday) and sometimes utter trash (Wild Child).

I'd put this square in the middle of the road.

And MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG was also in teen-film Euro trip which is actually pretty awesome.

JmC
Mainly because of Vinnie Jones
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: thatmakesmemad
2011-08-05 07:05 pm (UTC)
Hmm so how is this teen movie fetish not creepy too ? 0.o
Super 8 is amazing btw. The consideration that more US money was spent going to see the Transformers movie merely emphasises the importance of the chimps rising before this lot can elect a self proclaimed average bear momma(or let her in by not voting).
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)