some of the feedback I got on my abridged Serenity script was that it was very difficult to understand if you didn't know the film. And they were right, dagnabbit. It was annoying me so I've put back all the stuff I took out for being clunky and obvious (in retrospect this wasn't actually the case...) and tweaked.
Hopefully it now makes it a lot clearer.
They call me the gangster of Love
SERENITY; THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT- REVISED!
FADE IN: INT. SPACE CLASSROOM
TEACHER INT. SPACE MEDICAL SLAVE LAB
When we left Earth-That-Was-Fucked for the stars we, The Alliance,
set about creating a fascist utopia. Did I say fascist? I meant funnest. But some
people who had watched too much Bravestarr as children rebelled. They
wanted to live as Space-Cowboys with cool bionic arms and
adaptive-morphing and all that nonsense.
YOUNG SUMMER GLAU
You’re thinking of the Galaxy Rangers there. Bravestarr was the one
with that creepy Man-Horse.
Silence! How dare you show independence!
To the slave-lab with you!
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR is in MICHAEL HITCHCOCK’S office studying a hologram of now-adult SUMMER GLAU being rescued by her brother SEAN MAHER.
Greetings, Michael. I am the Alliance's polite British harbinger of a
Universe of peace. And tea. I am Britishly annoyed that you let Summer
Glau escape. Her secret-filled psychic head is the most
precious in the Galaxy.
Well, I’d probably give it a 8.9…
(slaughters him with a sword.)
Cultured. Where are you hiding, little Terminator?
.INT. SPACE SHIP SERENITY
NATHAN FILLLION and his RAGTAG BAND of SPACE-COWBOY OUTLAWS; tough ADAM BALDWIN, sexy engineer JEWEL STAITE, goofy pilot ADAM TUDYK and militaristic GINA TORRES are loading up a hovercar. Passengers SUMMER GLAU and Doctor SEAN MAHER watch from the side.
Well, golly-shucks. Time to go a-robbin, gee howdy. Summer darlin’, get
your off-centre self up here.
All shiny. I feel the fans. I feel their hope, so much hope.
Nathan, my one defining character trait makes me insist that you
leave my sister here.
I’ll show you MY one defining character trait! Sean? SEAN? LOOK AT
ME, GORAM IT! I’m gash frothing for you, you incesty freak !
Get twixt my nethers, damn you!
Woah. Say what? Him?!
(punches Sean out)
Listen up, GQ, I do the sexy round here.
I used to have an actual personality in the TV series, y’know.
We all did, honey.
I like guns!
.INT. WESTERN SPACE-TOWN BANK
NATHAN and his crew go to THE OLD DEADWOOD SET to rob the payroll. But it’s an Alliance payroll so that’s ok.
Howdy dagnammit, townsfolk. You just rest on the floor a spell whilst
my associates and I waltz easily into this here Governmental
hi-techy-safe. What’s that, Sum?
Why won’t they pay full-price? Hurts us all! Not shiny!
Chinese expletive, she’s right, Nath! Reavers is coming! Their
anarchic mainly hand-to-hand attacks make thems the
most terrifying thing in a galaxy full o’firepower!
Cap’n. We best help some of these folk to establish we’re not all
bad before hightailing like cowards!
Welp, that’s why they called us the brown trousers,
rasafragin-fragon! Let’s run the hell away!
They run the hell away.INT. SPACE-BAR
NATHAN, ADAM and GINA conduct nefarious dealings when Summer wanders in to watch TV. Seeing an weird advert SUMMER goes TOTALLY FUCKING CRAZY and kicks the hell out of the bar-patrons.
Advertising! I wan’ it, I wan’ it, I wan’ it! Extended edition, director’s
commentary! Gimmie, gimmie! Hi-YA! CHOP! POW! HA!
I’ll deal with this. Don’t mess with me, girly. I was born to kill!
ADAM gets beaten the fuck up.
Summer! Klaatu barada nikto!
It’s better to burn out than to fade… oh, uh… go… to… Planet Mir-anda.
You roofied your own sister? Twisted, Sean.
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR is studying the video footage of the bar fight.
Ha! It looks like my brilliant plan for using a subliminal message in the
advert to unlock Summer’s psychic brain in order to track her down
so she can never unlock her psychic brain has worked. She’s with
that Space-Cowboy Nathan Fillion. And how does one
lure a Space-Cowboy…
. INT. SPACE-WHOREHOUSE
Nathan! What are you doing here? Our complicated relationship will only
confuse the casual viewer. And it’s Cum-panion, thank you.
CHIWETEL casually batters hell out of NATHAN FILLION.
Give me the psychic. I feel I have demonstrated that I am more
awesome than you in every way.
Maybe so, pardner but you reckoned without my ability to… run the hell away!
Nathan and Morena run the hell away!
Blast. If only I’d had even the slightest back-up. No matter- there
are only four or five places they can go. I shall order those places
razed to the ground but not leave any troops there despite the massive army
at my disposal. That should irritate them into action.
.EXT. SPACE-PLANET SURFACE
NATHAN and crew are picking over the corpses of their friends.
Well shucks-fuck, I ain’t dispossessed no more. In fact I’m pretty gawdamn
pissed. That’s it, I aim to bring down the hammer.
Illegal downloads, illegal downloads! Kills me, squish!
You said it, Summer. Lets us do this ship up like a Reavers’ one
and Alan can fly us through their space to that planet Miranda.
Clearly if Chiwetel is trying this hard to stop us going then
we needs to go.
What? But surely if it was that easy then the alliance would have just flown
explosive drones done up like Reaver Ships long ago? And can’t we
just go round? Space? Infinite?
Look. The hammer is my penis.
That makes no sense.
Neither does this entire plan, relying as it does on purely visual identification
in deep space. Now git painting before I shoot you square in the face, hoss!
NATHAN blows away some half-shattered under-paid soldier to illustrate his point.
You’re still the hero, right?
INT. PLANET MIRANDA, SPACE-LAB
Well, that wasn’t such a chore. This is inexplicably the only power
source on the planet. There must be some answers here.
JEWEL fiddles around.
HOLOGRAM SARAH PAULSON
Hello, if you’re seeing this then I’m dead. I was going to draw an H
on my forehead to illustrate but there is no time. Our experiment
to pacify the people went horribly wrong. To calm them we pumped out
insipid sit-coms, episode after episode of Two and A Half Men.
It worked… too well.
So that’s why that show has been around so long…
HOLOGRAM SARAH PAULSON
But a small minority became angry. They demanded quality
programming and after Arrested Development was cancelled
they went on a rapey cannibal rampage. Oh no! They’re
Reavers! The Alliance created the Reavers! Sorry, I know that was obvious
but I just wanted to remind everyone that I matter. Anyone?
HOLOGRAM SARAH PAULSON
You must get this information out. Yes, it was an honest mistake but I’m about
to be raped and eaten so some motherfucker has to pay! Aieee!
Turn it off.
Hold up. Let’s just watch the first bit.
Adam! That’s Goram sick. Now how can we transmit this gore-snuff-porn to
every single home in the ‘verse?
Oh! Wait! David Krumholtz! That creepy motherfucker has l33t skillz!
Hmmm. But the Alliance is sure to be watching him, dagnabbit. Don’t
worry, I have another plumb brilliant plan! Lets poke at the Reavers’
ships with a stick and then… run the hell away! They’ll follow us into what is,
best guess, another army.
And ultra-feminists say I shouldn’t take orders from a white man.
CHIWETEL and his MASSIVE SPACESHIP ARMY wait by DAVID KRUMHOLTZ’s SPACE BASE
Ha. Foolish Nathan Fillion. Bringing a spaceship to a sword
fight. Wait! Reavers! Cocking cumfucking loads of
Reavers! Everyone shoot at them! I don’t want a single ship
firing on our primary target! NO ONE FIRE AT SERENITY! TEA
AND CRUMPETS!!! Oh, fuck this I’m off to the surface.
.INT. DAVID KRUMHOLTZ’S SPACE BASE
SERENITY crashes roughly into the hanger, hotly pursued by REAVER SHIPS.
Holy Hong Kong shit, that was close. Good thing that everyone
that matters is still shucks-dandy.
Great disturbance in the force! Thousands of fan-boys
crying out in pain. But they didn’t come. The cinema
seats they were empty…
What that you hollerin’ about? Oh, woefully underused Alan Tudyk is dead.
Huh. And David Krumholtz too. This is all getting a bit John
Constantine with my friends.
DAVID KRUMHOLTZ’S FUCK DOLL
(with DAVID KRUMHOLTZ’s voice)
He Britished me, Nath. He Britished me with a sword.
Well, golly. Hellooo there.
DAVID KRUMHOLTZ’S FUCK DOLL
Nathan! Focus. And really, who’s your voice coach- Yosemite
Sam? Ahem. He Britished me, Nath. You have to get to
the secret transmitter platform. Remember to hit A
and the jump button.
Hot damn! Let’s go.
No. you stay here to get raped and eaten. I have to do this… Solo.
Shhh! Don’t make it so obvious!
I MEANT this time I shall be running the hell away… alone.
Well, thanks a fuck.
.INT. DAVID KRUMHOLTZ’S SPACE-BASE BUNKER
The crew sans Nathan wait to be killed by Reavers.
Look everyone, I’m dressed as Xena! And I have a bow! I matter,
damn it. Hello? I’m a prostitute y’know. STOP LOOKING AT
JEWEL AND SUMMER, ASSHOLES!!!
I’m just upset I never got to pound on Jewel’s lovehole. If only
she had given me some sort of sign.
(slaughters several Reavers)
Shit, is that all it takes? I ain’t been laid in weeks! And
Gina, your husband and meatpole is dead, not that the
audience noticed. No sex fer you! Wooo! Frustration!
Let’s kill some motherfuckers!
Well, everyone. This has been all sorts of fun but frankly it’s time
for me to Buffy my way into a future. See you in the Dollhouse! Wait
, that’s Alan… Oh well, um, bye!
SUMMER dives through the door and kills the holy fuck out of a bunch of Reavers.
ADAM BALDWININT. DAVID KRUMHOLTZ’S SPACE-BASE SECRET SPACE-TRANSMITTER PLATFORM
Wow. that’s some serious flustration right there. Good thing
you never worked up the courage to bang her either, Sean.
So the doll has Krumholtz’s voice. I guess I still would…
(leaps onto walkway)
Now, Nathan. You must stop. That disk will reveal that despite
Joss Whedon being famous for juggling a large cast only
you have anything resembling a character arc.
(leaps onto walkway)
No. No, that’s not true. That’s IMPOSSIBLE!
Look into yourself. You know it to be true. Only you develop.#
Even Summer just jarringly changes.
They fight. Nathan manages to get his ass kicked slightly less than before.
Man, you think one of us would bring a spare gun. Particularly you.
You would. But despite being portrayed as coldly all about
the job I have an egotistical need to kill people in a nuanced way
with my deathblow. Like this!
Nuance? NUANCE? I’m Nathan ye-fucking-ha Fillion, son.
I HATE nuance. Yippee Kye Oriental EY, Motherfucker!
Nathan shrugs off Chiwetel’s deathblow with the power of cowboy ruggedness and pounds him down.
And that’s how we do, pard. Now, watch this.
Huh? Huh? See it there?
My God. All those people. Killed in an accident during
a genuine attempt to make a happy docile population like
I always wanted. This totally puts my slaughter of entire
settlements of men, women and children just to smokeINT. SPACESHIP SERENITY
you out in perspective, Nathan. Thank you. Alliance
bad. They nasty men. Me change ways.
Ha! You changed! That’s an arc right there!
Well not rea….
…and that’s how I reprogrammed the fuckbot and got
a Big Damn Blowjob. What’s up, little one?
Now I’m sane I was just thinking, we’ve plunged the ‘verse
into chaos. Do you think it will all work out?
Looking at the ticket sales no one will ever know.
Unless the fans buy hundreds and hundreds of copies of the DVD each that is.
(stares directly at the camera)
Which I’m sure they will if they really cared.
Damn, girl. You’re cruel when you’re not crazy. Looks like
you an me gonna git right along! YEEEEEE HAW!!!!!