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James- Now with added kittens

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This has me climbing the walls [Jul. 7th, 2008|01:44 pm]
James- Now with added kittens
Unless you're some goat-raping yokel from the bum-end of no-where you should have at least a passing familiarity with the concept of evolution. You know; two fish swimming around- one is faster and gets all the nice food and hot fish-chicks, the other dies alone weeping gently at the unfairness of being born with rubbish fins. Some years later the decedents of fast fish have crawled out of the ocean and one of them has hands rather than feet so picks up rocks and bashes its handless rivals to bloody smears. The best mutations survive and thrive (read: fuck) the crappy ones get eaten and get no action at all. That's pretty much how it works.

Thusly I am the product of many, many years of mutants fucking other mutants occasionally pausing to kill something. I am perfectly evolved for the world, I can eat total crap and not get ill, my attention span is minute so I don't have to think about the distressing degeneration of the world for more than 37 seconds, I can effortlessly spew management-speak from my face-hole to earn money, I'm sex obsessed without being any good at that commitment nonsense. I am modern man. Oh I'll soon be replaced by some child with a USB port instead of an anus who speaks only in lol-speak and binary but for now I'm basically ideal.

Ideal, you see, because in the modern word you no longer have to climb anything.

On Saturday niknar took me, badusernametag and lydiamorgan to the local climbing centre. Once there I discovered that I am simply not evolved for climbing. The Chapman clan left that behind some millennium ago. We are evolved for sitting, for eating, for talking bullshit. We are not meant for clambering, for swinging, for leaping- for any movement at all really. If it wasn't for the Darlek stairs problem we'd have developed wheels some time ago.

This is not the case with Nik. He is clearly part-man, part spider-monkey. Walls which looked to me (and any sane human) totally unclimable were as nothing to him. He bounded up them apparently unfettered by gravity as I looked on in a combination of shock, awe and mild arousal.

"This one's not too bad!" He cheerfully declared having apparently turned the camera sideways and walked up the wall like 60s Batman.
"Mmmm." I responded non-commitally.
"Here, just start with this one and follow the rocks of the same colours. I'll talk you through it."
"Mmmm." I repeated eyeing the wall as a fat girl eyes scales.
"Look, hand here, foot here and go." he insisted, ignoring my cunning "Mmmm" defence.

So up I went. Slowly but up. Looking back now Nik had chosen a laughable easy starting wall but it certainly didn't seem so at the time. As I went up inch by painful inch I made a fatal error. When I was nearly at the top I looked down. Foolish.

Normally I have no problem with heights. And it wasn't even that high. There were crash mats. I was totally safe. However you try telling your body that when your clinging to a wall by your fingernails. Clearly to fall was to DIE. Responding to evolutionary cues adrenaline flooded my system. "YOU ARE IN DANGER!" my body screamed "KILL, FLEE, ACT!" Such an adrenal rush is useful when faced with a enraged puma, not so useful when you need to stay still and move in a controlled manner. I started to twitch. My leg started to shake.

"You have Elvis leg!" Nik called up to me.

Vowing to later kill and eat Nik I clung to my wall. Only the sure-fire knowledge that Toby would tease me until forever kept me from weeping and demanding help. I started to sweat. The sweat was not helping my wall holding. I had to do this. I had to. Toby had done a wall, admittedly just by reaching to the top and pulling himself up as the bastard is sixteen feet tall, but he had done one. And Nik and Lydia were proper climbers. I had to do it. I just had to. Sheer force of potential social embarrassment drove me on. I reached arm up, to Niks encouraging yells, attempting to ignore that fact that said arm was twitching like an epileptic at a disco. I grabbed and pulled and rose. Finally, finally I reached the top. The relief was tremendous. Then I realised I had to get down...

But, after this less that auspicious start, things got much better. Nik is a fine and almost superhumanly patient teacher (as well as actually being Spider-Man), healthy competition between Toby, Lydia and I kept us going where otherwise we might have given up- It was awesome! Of course now my fingers and toes are in abject agony as I type this but that's the price you pay.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to find some radioactive spiders to help me overcome my evolutionary shortcomings.

That blasted wall-crawler

[User Picture]From: niknar
2008-07-07 01:13 pm (UTC)
will be going tomorrow and friday if youre up for more of the same, chum.
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[User Picture]From: flywingedmonkey
2008-07-07 02:20 pm (UTC)
Friday may very well be a go-er. I shall let ye know, bud!

By "the same" I assume you mean the good bits rather than the sweating and the panicing
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[User Picture]From: andyknifton
2008-07-07 01:32 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: flywingedmonkey
2008-07-07 02:25 pm (UTC)
Twas fun. Do your hugemongous mahoosive love pillows boobs not get in the way a bit?

Simply the breast
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[User Picture]From: sera_squeak
2008-07-10 02:49 pm (UTC)
They're opening a climbing centre in Cardiff? My how that place changes!
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[User Picture]From: _alexandra_
2008-07-07 01:45 pm (UTC)

Love it.

Heh - I met a chick who works there on Saturday night who has promised me free entry so I might even join you for incompetent climbing attempts soon

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[User Picture]From: flywingedmonkey
2008-07-07 02:21 pm (UTC)
Wickedbad, babes.

Alex: making lesbianism pay
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[User Picture]From: renfield286
2008-07-07 01:49 pm (UTC)
i dont see what the big deal is.
at what point to survive would you need so scale a sheer rocky surface unless you could only eat moss?

theres always another, easyer way. (i prefer the stairs or failing that, a walk round to the sloping surface to get to the top)

i used to climb, but then i got lazy. so now i just walk and vary rarley, run.

evolution has made me adaptable and smart.
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[User Picture]From: flywingedmonkey
2008-07-07 02:23 pm (UTC)
One cannot be a ninja without learning to scale walls.

And they cannot catch you if you are on fire
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[User Picture]From: renfield286
2008-07-07 02:26 pm (UTC)
one cannot be a ninja if one needs to scale walls.

rule 1: ninjas can never be seen
Rule 2: no exceptions.
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[User Picture]From: sera_squeak
2008-07-07 02:34 pm (UTC)
Hehe, you've just described exactly how I feel when I climb. I'm just not designed for it, love it though I do.

I never really thought I had a problem with heights until I climbed.
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[User Picture]From: badusernametag
2008-07-07 06:10 pm (UTC)
Ho ho ho. Suck it up dwarfling.
You're right some people just can't be good at certain things. It's genetic, yeah.

'Nice Guy' Toby
Bred for winning
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[User Picture]From: jesswah
2008-07-10 09:40 am (UTC)
I hear you bro. My sister makes me climb sometmies. I have foolishly agreed to go on holiday to Solvenia with her in a couple of weeks, but as the plan unfolds several things have come to my attnetion to make me believe it's not going to be the relaxing break I had envisaged:

She's sent me a list of stuff to pack as we will be carrying our equipment, clothes, food and home with us at all times. Any list with "trainers if you have room" is not good to me.

Apparently I need travel insurance which includes trekking, climbing, scrambling, canoeing, mountain rescue helicopters and via ferrata (which means traversing precarious cliffside iron bars hammered in by fatigued and angry Italian soldiers in abou AD 1230.

I have had to get injections for FIVE different ailments including tick-borne encephalitis.

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