James- Now with added kittens (flywingedmonkey) wrote,
James- Now with added kittens
flywingedmonkey

Heatwave causes surge of injuries among men

Soaring temperatures have seen a 137% increase in ogling related injuries. Medics have reported a massive increase in slaps, kneeing and walking-into-lamp-posts-like-a-dick for men unwittingly distracted by women in summery attire.

Specialist moron-related consultant Dr Sajay Depal said; “British men are simply not prepared for a hot summer. We have the expected severe burnings caused by pasty blokes feeling that it would be wise to expose their pallid sun-shy flesh to the sun’s radiation following a few cans of Carling. But alongside this we have a spike in brainless gazing injuries. Unprepared for the sight of ladies in flimsy dresses men cannot stop their jaws from dropping half an inch and their heads swivelling like a dog watching a hamburger at the first sign of unclad leg or obvious nipple. What they don’t realise is that this is fucking obvious to the object of their gaze, the object’s boyfriend, the gazer’s girlfriend and everyone else.”

John O’ Gordon, a pillock from Islington who tripped over his own dog in the park, said; “It’s a disgrace. Men can’t be expected to suddenly see fine lassies in sundresses and maintain composure. The Government should be pre-warning us. Perhaps with leaflets. With pictures. Or a website. With pictures. Or some sort of live show.”

The Government has responded with this advice for men- always wear sunglasses; attempt to control any head movements; use the side of the eye; look but don’t leer; and for God’s sake don’t pass comment.

Phillip Greggs was severely beaten by his girlfriend after unwisely compounding his obvious stare by saying, “They were right there. Clearly she wanted people to look at them.” Experts have confirmed that he totally deserved it.



JmC
Fun in the Sun
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