James- Now with added kittens (flywingedmonkey) wrote,
James- Now with added kittens

Concerns that topless man ban will lead to chaos

Concerns that topless man ban will lead to chaos

Following a ban on men exposing their naked chests at a Southend attraction concern is high that many councils will follow suit. 

Molly Sudridge, spokeswoman for Box magazine, said; “It is well known that ladies simply can’t get enough of a naked male upper body; from the smooth, sculpted abs of a personalityless narcissist to the husky earthiness of a large pot-belly with matching man-boobs. Beaches and parks provide a much needed release for women who might not otherwise see warm Stella pool into a gentleman’s hairy stomach hole.

“Without this healthy outlet women might start to turn to the seedier side to slate their desires. Whether in the form of cruel Diet-Coke-girl style tricks on unsuspecting gardeners, visits to cheap ‘Chipish-Dale’ clubs or sordid encounters with ‘Belly Men’; who, for £20 will let women pluck bits of Ginsters Sausage roll pastry from in between the sweaty hairs of their exposed torsos, they will scratch that itch.

“Surely the joyous bounce of topless, 37 year old man attempting to catch a Frisbee is preferable to that?”


Warmer weather has already prompted a surge in celebrity chest-related attacks with Zak Efron coming under assault on camera from a lust-filled co-star at the MTV awards. “It may have looked all in fun but that was real fear on my face.” Efron confessed. “Rita Ora just looked at me and snarled; ‘Get the guts out or I will cut you.’ She would have too. I could see it in her eyes.”

Fellow fame-possessor Justin Bieber was been left traumatised following a similar attack in November 2012 by contact with Jenny McArthy; an actual, conscious woman over twenty. Subsequent to the assault Bieber has spent 18 months posting topless pictures of himself onto Instagram and Twitter daily. “You have to feed the beast, man.” He monotoned whilst staring into space. “I’ve seen it’s true face. Have to feed the beast.”


But Councilman Richard Leighton disagrees with the propensity for torso-exposure in public; “Families, children, family-family, children, no tummy, family-friendly, children.” He said before adding; “Family-focused, children-focused, wish-I-had-the-confidence-to-get-my-moobs-out, family-fun, no.”

Sudridge disagrees; “It’s not just the front. In the summer women need to see pasty backs, ideally with blazing red spots, as often as they can.

“Else they will go mad.”


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